Thursday, December 29, 2005
心不在。
or so it seems, at 8:14 PM
Monday, December 19, 2005
christmas is here again.
i remember a time long ago when i used to love christmas. my family would happily count down the days on this christmas tree banner, called the jesse tree, where there are 25 pouches arranged in a pyramid. from the first day of december, we'd place each of the little cloth figures into their respective pouches, numbering off the days to christmas. baby jesus was the final cloth figure, and went in right at the top of the tree on christmas morn.
then slowly there came a time when i 'grew up', and the tree was left aside. christmas didnt give the same joy that it always gave. i never went for christmas parties. exchanging gifts was never a habit of mine, and over the years my family just wasnt the same. its not like we fought or anything, its just that the magic left our relationship. i grew apart from my brother, my brother whom i used to play lego and other games with all day. i dont even talk to him now that he's in stanford.. not that i ever talked to him. we used to share the same room, but even then some invisible border just grew, and when we each had our own rooms, it just provided a physical one to the unseen one that was already in place. and my parents. i guess it isnt easy having 2 kids who dont mix, one of whom is in a different country, and the other in camp most of the week. i know that they love me. but somehow it just doesnt feel like a family should.
and to the present. there's no feeling anymore. the jesse tree still hangs on the wall, my mom continues the tradition by herself. christmas doesnt have any meaning for me. i dont know if there's anything left that has meaning left for me. is this what it means to be faithless? its like living without actually living. the worse part? i know how fortunate i am, i know how much i am loved. i know that God exists, and that he sent Jesus to die for me, to save me. all this i know. all this i believe. and yet, something still seems missing. i still feel nothing.
and so its christmas again.
or so it seems, at 8:45 PM
Sunday, December 18, 2005
Lord, where are you? open my heart and set me free... lead me away from this bleak reality that is my life.
save me.
please.
twenty four oceans
twenty four skies
twenty four failures
twenty four tries
twenty four finds me
in twenty fourth place
twenty four dropouts
and the end of the day
life is not what i thought it was
twenty four hours ago
still im singing
spirit take me up in arms with you
and im not who i thought i was
twenty four hours ago
still im singing
spirit take me up in arms with you
twenty four reasons
to admit that im wrong
with all my excuses
still twenty four strong
see i'm not copping out. not copping out. not copping out.
when you're raising the dead in me
i'm the second man
i'm the second man now
i'm the second man now
and your'e raising these twenty four voices
with twenty four hearts
and all of my symphonies
and twenty four parts
but i want to be one today
centered and true
i'm singing spirit
take me up in arms with you
your'e raising the dead in me
i want to see miracles
see the world change
wrestled the angel
for more than a name
for more than a feeling
for more than a cause
i'm singing
spirit take me up in arms with you
and your'e raising the dead in me
or so it seems, at 11:53 PM
Sunday, December 11, 2005
another loong weekend has ended. i love taking leave =) will do so again next week! (thurs and friday hopefully) so if anyone wants to catch a movie... buzz me pls :p
when you contemplate the present with the knowledge that you hold the future in your hands, does it make you grin with anticipation? or quiver in apprenhension?
one things for sure. im not grinning.
sighh. its like i've been stuck at the same juncture for the past year of my life. its been a year since the end of the a'levels, and things have suddenly become a whole lot more complicated. somehow spending a year in NS and hearing all about local unis... suddenly makes me want to get the hell out of here. i guess there's this problem of always feeling that the grass is greener on the other side.. and your'e never on the other side. the question of 'what do i want to do' is the killer, though. i used to think that i'd take the simple way out and stay where i was, and then see where things would lead later. but now its as if thats not enough anymore, and that i'd just be stifling myself by staying here. sure there are exchange programs, but thats just not the same. it doesnt help that my brother managed to float away to sunny stanford, and here i am, supposedly with the potential to make it to some overseas uni that would have much more to offer me than SMU. im sure that SMU is a great school, but the problem is just that... its still here, in singapore. and somehow it makes me feel like i could do better. anyhow guess i better register for my sat subject/reasoning tests again. better to take and regret paying 62 dollars, than to not take and regret for the rest of my life. 62 bux ain't that a bad deal :p
i hate that word, 'potential'. its like all my life i've lived with 'potential', but never really reached it. doesnt help being 'gifted' or whatever shit. it didnt really mean anything to me at the time, it was just some label and tag that meant that you mixed slightly more exclusively with other geps, and i guess when your'e in primary school and secondary school it didnt really make much of a diff, you mainly mix with your own class anyway, or your neighbours. but i guess for me its created this fear. the fear of 'what if i could have done better' ' what if i wasted my chance' 'what if i burn my potential'. and it sucks.
doesnt help that now i feel as though i havent grown up much. still the same old kid. KID. bleaugh. its one thing to be wise in the world as seen through tv shows and movies and books, and another to be wise in the real world. i feel as though its the former from which i draw all my 'maturity' from, which is really kinda screwed up, if you think about it. because there isnt so much melo-drama in the world, and fairytale endings only happen in fairytales. my unending optimism and naivety just seems to crash against the harshness of reality. why cant i grow up and still hold on to... to the me as i perceive it, the happy go lucky,always hopeful boy that i love to be. or can i?
so many questions, and no answers. *sigh* and such a flimsy post.
im still a child. would you care to join me?
lets dance in style, lets dance for awhile
heaven can wait, we're only watching the skies
hoping the best, but expecting the worst
are you going to drop the bomb or not
let us die young or let us live forever
we dont have the power, but we never say never
sitting in a sandpit, life is a short trip
the music's for the sandman
can you imagine when this race is won
turn our golden faces into the sun
praising our leaders we're getting in tune
the musics played by the madman
forever young, i want to be forever young
do you really want to live forever, forever, and ever
forever young, i want to be forever young
do you really want to live forever, forever, forever
some are like water, some are like the heat
some are a melody and some are the beat
sooner or later they all will be gone
why dont they stay young
its hard to get old without a cause
i dont want to perish like a fading hourse
youth is like diamonds in the sun
and diamonds are forever
so many adventures couldnt happy today
so many songs we forgot to play
so many dreams swinging out of the blue
we'll let them come true
let them come true.
or so it seems, at 7:07 PM
Sunday, December 04, 2005
if you get there before i do
dont give up on me
i'll meet you when my chores are true
i dont know how long i'll be
but im not gonna let you down
darlin' wait and see
and betwen now and then
till i see you again
i'll be loving you
love, me.
*sigh
*
or so it seems, at 8:51 PM
sigh long weekend coming to an end. at least i managed to get some stuff done... though probably not enough. signed up for driving already though, for my BTT at least. hope i can make the test date... december is packed full with range/chemical defense/soc and other army trainings
kinda tired actually.. been going out a lot heh. wanted to post something serious about some topic but i've forgotten all about it. haha kinda shows you my state of mind eh. and i still have some serious soul-searching/life-pondering to get done. haiz. sometimes i wish everything would be simpler.
if only.
or so it seems, at 8:13 PM
